I've been hiding behind winter clothes..... I'm about to share something with you that I can't believe I am going to share. In the scheme of things in the world, this is a non-issue. It's fluffy nonsense, and a lot of it is in my mind. But if you are like me, and many females - you might have issues with your own body image.
I'm sharing this with you because there's nothing like being honest in a public forum to act as a spur and a motivator - and that's what I'm going to use this for.
You see, all my life, I've had weight problems. I was always an overweight child. Never obese, just really well fed. I was always the biggest kid in my primary/grade school class. I was the first to develop a chest, first to get that horrid monthly visitor at a young age, first to wear a bra and be teased by all around me. The boys used to flick the back of it. I even stopped wearing one so they wouldn't do it. Then of course, well you know what that no-bra effect would have had. More reason for them to make fun of me.
I come from an Italian family on one side. My Nonna used to look after me after school. I'd have a full meal when I got home from school, then when I got home to my parents, I'd have dinner. No wonder I was overweight.
I was really bad at sport. I always came last in running races. As a 6 year old I remember trying out at little athletics and balling my eyes out when I ran and was so far behind the rest. I gave up and never went back. I figured, I was good at art and was one of the good ones in the class so at least I had something. And I was good at Math and English too, so I wasn't a total loser at everything I tried. I was good at music. So I had something to keep me going and give me slight confidence.
When I got to secondary/high school, at least I felt a bit more "normal". I went to an all girls Catholic school so there were suddenly 900 girls around me, and I didn't stand out any more. There were girls bigger, smaller, shorter, taller. I was super average. And no longer one of the best in Math, English, Art or Music... I just blended in with the crowd.
Still I had two dinners a day...
So... fast forward to me being 29-30 years of age. Continually putting on weight over the years, no exercise and eating anything. I did actually become obese. I carried way too much weight for my little feet and my petite frame.
So I did something about it, changed my whole lifestyle. I mean my WHOLE lifestyle. I lost 32kg (70 pounds), got down to a small size and even extra small in some stuff, joined a gym, could do 65 push-ups on my toes, got fit, had my weight loss story printed in Woman's Day magazine and the Weight Watchers magazine too.
But it is SO hard to keep it off. That's the HARDEST part. Such a struggle. Here I am three years later, having put back about a third of the weight I lost. And it's harder for me, I have a condition that makes me susceptible to putting on weight easily unless I am super careful. ARGH!
THERE i said it. No more hiding. I didn't just put on a few pounds. I'm back to about 15 pounds ABOVE the top end of my healthy weight range. And I feel like a total loser for allowing myself to do this again.
But you know, you see pics of yourself and they might be flattering, or you look in the mirror and don't see what's really there.... I'm not saying I'm obese - I'm not - and some people would probably say to me, I'm an idiot and I am small and what am I talking about. I know I do have a small waist, I'm a true pear shape. I am not going to sit here fishing for compliments. It's my thighs that are my problem. They rub when I walk. UGH! When I can't buy ONE pair of boots that actually goes over my calves, there is a problem. My bottom half is just awful. I buy wide leg jeans and they fit me like bootlegs....
I hide it in photos. I doubt I've ever shared it here, unless it was a flattering photo.
So now.... I'm using this public ...whatever you want to call it.... forum - to make sure I DO go through with it and get it all OFF again.
I lost over 2kg (5 lb) this week - and I'm going to keep a track and let you know weekly how I went. I'm going to make myself accountable. And I need your support if I don't share it one week - please ASK me, MAKE me do it!!!
I'm using my US trip as a time I want to get to goal. I've got just under 8 weeks to lose 6.2kg (14 lb). Please cheer me on!!! I'm DETERMINED!
And you know what's funny? I hate looking at thin women in magazines - who make me feel huge - I think women look fabulous with curves and a bit of meat on them - they say Jennifer Lopez has a big behind yet I think she is fabulous and too thin! Marilyn Monroe was probably two sizes larger than me yet I think she looked gorgeous, how women should look. I think that women who are larger than me look wonderful, I really do. I have friends who I think look so beautiful and they are confident and hold themselves up high and don't care what the world things. I admire their beauty and strength... and yet I can't seem to apply those values to myself....feeling less than human if I am not tiny. It's something I need to work on... and think about... while working out at the gym...
Ok so here goes. Here's a pic of my disproportionate thighs.... gosh I hate this.... I can't show you the photo without changing the contrast so you don't see it properly... it's something I'll work on but for now, this is about as exposed as I can handle....
Sorry for the long babbling post. I feel like deleting it already... let's see if I am strong enough to keep it here or not....
You know, I don't want for a minute to offend anyone who might be larger than me. I really don't. I don't see other people's flaws. I see my own with a magnifying glass. Isn't that the downfall of most of us?
Natasha xo